I remember when you used to be able to make a phone call to a business or government agency and have a real, live person answer. They may not always have been pleasant. But at least they talked to you and responded to your questions. Those days are gone.

I spend a considerable amount of time on the phone and am totally frustrated by the voice jail systems in use today. What are they thinking? “Thank you for calling ABC. Your call is important to us…”  Bullshit! We really don’t want to be bothered answering these calls.

I run a small business and calls are important to me. I try to answer all calls myself and I have a short, to-the-point greeting in place for times when I’m unable to answer directly.  The same is not true of big businesses and government.

Here is one of my least favorite greetings:

“You have reached Joe Blow. I’m sorry I cannot take your call as I’m either on the phone or away from my desk. (Who cares what you’re doing? No, I don’t think that you’re off someplace avoiding actual work. Or maybe I do.) Leave me a detailed message and I will return your call (or not).”

Another favorite:

“Thank you for calling the ABC government office. Your call is important to us. Listen carefully as our menu has recently changed. (not since we recorded this message two years ago.) Have a pen and paper handy to write down important information. If you know your party’s extension, you may dial it now. (However, if you don’t know the extension you’re screwed because we don’t have a directory). You may visit us on the web by going to www.blahblahblah.com. If you are calling for directions to and the hours of our agency, press 9. If you are calling to find information about how to file papers with us dial 3. If you are calling regarding probation matters, hang up and dial XXX-XXX-XXX. If you are calling to speak to someone in the clerk’s office dial 888 (which rimes with wait…wait…wait as the phone rings…rings…rings).

This past week I had to call my doctor’s office to renew a prescription. The call went as follows:

“Thank you for calling XYZ Medical Associates. If this is an emergency, hang up and dial 911. (If I’m so stupid that I need to be told that, I don’t deserve to be alive.)

If you know your party’s extension, you may dial it now. (Is there a directory option? No, why not?)

If this is a hospital or doctor’s office dial 2.

If you are calling to make an appointment dial 0. Ok, I opt for 0 and a rather curt voice answers the phone. I tell them that I’m calling to renew a prescription and they switch me to another extension before I’m able to explain that I usually have to come in for lab work prior to renewing the prescription.

You have reached Nurse Ratchet, Dr. So-and-so’s assistant. Please listen carefully as Dr. So-and-so has recently changed orders. We are not in on Monday, so don’t leave any messages on Monday. (Also, don’t try and call to leave a message during lunch as the answering service takes over from noon until 1pm and they won’t take your message.)

If you are calling to renew a prescription (Bingo!!! I am. I guess things have changed and I may not need the lab work.) hang up and call your pharmacy and have them call us.

So, I call the pharmacy and tell them that they need to call the doctor’s office. They tell me that I should call the doctor myself. I inform them that I already have and was told to have them call the doctor. Reluctantly, fax the doctor so they have something in writing. Apparently, paper doesn’t get ignored the way a human voice does. I call the next day to see if the prescription is ready. It is and I go in to pick it up. Then, I receive a lecture from the clerk that I need to go see the Doctor and get the lab work. She has a look of scorn on her face as if she has caught a criminal in the act of breaking the law. Couldn’t this all have been avoided if I’d been able to communicate with a caring person?

Prescription in hand, I go home and call the doctor’s office to make an appointment. I listen through the same voice jail message and select option 2 in order to make an appointment. Much to my surprise, I am greeted by a caring person. She took the time to listen to my needs and arranged for an appointment at a mutually convenient time. She even made a point of understanding my preferred name and calling me by it.

I guess that there is the occasional bail out of voice jail.